I’m Not Leaving!

Kerry Tittle

Kerry Tittle

Founder, Refined Family

Kerry Tittle is a mother of 10 children and a 20+-year homeschool veteran. She is the founder of Refined Family. Her desire is to honor Christ while comforting others with the comfort she has received from the Lord. 

During our wanderings in the wilderness, there are two questions that are universal. “Why”? and “Where is God in all this?”

My journey has been no different. We are limited in our human understanding but we want it all to make sense, so it is normal for these questions to arise.

There was a turning point for me when I spent several despondent hours at the graveside of the members of my family who died in the tornado. I sat there and contemplated the past few years of my life. The loss. The loss of my precious children, my husband, my home, and my future. I was at odds with my family members. There was conflict with friends I had walked with for years. My life seemingly was falling apart. I sat on the hood of my car with tears steaming down my face asking “why!” I shared with Him all my broken dreams (as if He didn’t already know.) Why would He allow so much pain?

In my stubbornness I looked up and said (maybe loudly) “I am not leaving here until you show up!”

“Where is God?” I sat there for hours on the hood of my car. I think it was the most obstinate I have ever been before my precious Savior. After some time, I slid off my hood and began to wander among the rows of monuments. I became intrigued with wanting to know their stories. Some lived 3 days, some seventy years. Some were veterans, some were loved mothers. Some had fresh flowers, others long forgotten. I saw every grave in that cemetery. I slowly wandered back to my car. I looked up and said “I am still here.”

Those words hung in the air. I felt as if an arrow had pierced my heart. Hot tears began to stream once again from a well that I was certain was beyond dry.

I am still here.

It was as if God used my very words of accusation to comfort me. Promises that He made began to flood my memory.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrew 13:5

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

All the “I am with you’s” overwhelmed me. My tenacious heart was overcome with shame and guilt as the Truth of His Word shook me back to reality.

Where is God in all our pain? Right where He has always been. With you. He is in the same place as when Jesus walked the road to Calvary. He is in the same place as when the nails were placed in His feet and hands. Even Jesus in His humanity asked “Why have you forsaken me?!”

God is right in the middle of our pain and chaos. In the heat of the crucible, we can only feel the heat and nothing else. We are tempted to believe He isn’t there. But the truth is He is close watching as a Refiner.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver, Malachi 3:3a

He is close watching the fire very carefully. He will bring His masterpiece to completion. Be patient Dear Christian, He is with you.


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